Blogging From The Black Future

By Ben Liew  •  in Features
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Time traveling, space-defying, pure-being of light and self-proclaimed genius, the Lord Panda is one-half of dynamic folk punk duo the panda head curry? He zips through the past, present and future and drops JUICE a line via twitter. It ain’t pretty, kids…

4 Sept 2009
Woo hey kiddies! Finally got the flux capacitor working again after General Panda used it to clean his hole! I’m firing up the DeLorean! Let’s see… I’ll turn the dial back one year for a test run.
Vroom! Vroom! Watch out pedestrians! I drive like a Malaysian!

8 March 2008
Ha ha! The Fundamentalists have managed to scam 2 parties to work with them and have won. Penang, Perak, Selangor, Kedah and Kelantan. Watch out!!! They’re gonna take your beer away!!!

29 Aug 2008
Fundamentalists vs Avril Lavigne!! Come on yobbos! Your buddies are strapping on C4 and flying into buildings, and y’all are protesting this little Canadian girl’s gig….and she won?!? NatFront’s thinking. “They got their butts whipped by Avril Lavigne, let’s take over Perak.”

7 May 2009
And they did. Fundamentalists have lost their control over the best chicken rice on the planet.

26 Aug 2009
Fundamentalists are flexing their muscles against….MICHEAL LEARNS TO ROCK!!! How are you going to get 72 virgins? Go against Motorhead, Slayer…show how hardcore you are! Try picking on Lemmy, instead of Danish Butter Cookies!!!

9 April 2010
State gender segregation act is proposed for states under Fundamentalist control. Lotsa debates!

6 Oct 2011
State segregation act is implemented. Male and female lines at counters. Segregated sections in buses. Only women may teach girls/women, only men may teach boys/men at primary, secondary and university level.  What?!? No coed parties?

1 Dec 2011
Women may no longer drive motor vehicles in Fundamentalist controlled states. They may not appear in public unless escorted by their husbands or fathers.

1 Feb 2012
A woman and her 2 daughters are found dead in their home. Starved to death. Her husband went overseas for an assignment, got killed in an accident. He forgot to stock up the food store before he left, and they had no appropriate male relatives that could take them to the supermarket.

3 March 2012
Holy camel dung Batman! The Fundamentalists have formed government! Going to turn the dial forward to 2020 & check out what they’ve done to Dr M’s vision of flying cars and elevators to near earth-orbit stations!

1 Jan 2020
Happy New Year!… Wha? Dude, where’s my country? What’s this Caliphate of Malay States (CMS)!?! And where’s the beer?

2 Jan 2020
Did some research. Holy Crap, Holy War! Caliphate of Malay States (CMS) =Peninsula & East Malaysia + Singapore (New Temasik) + Indonesian Archipelago + South Thailand + Australia (Temasik Besar).

3 Jan 2020
More research. Continental USA = Halliburtania. Hawaii & Pac Islands = Obamastan. China + North & South Korea + Japan = New Eastern Bloc. Middle East = Glass Bowl after the Nuclear War. Israel – somehow relocated to Antarctica(?) – Penguins removed and resettled… in Terra Del Fuego?!?. Walked by old Putrajaya (renamed Medina Baru). Saw some new Ministries: Morality, Piety, Purity and Fear.

20 Jan 2020
The New Segregation Act (NSA) is in place. CMS society is divided into Male Believers, Female Believers and Dhimmies.

3 Feb 2020
Went to a soccer match at the old Shah Alam (now in the Ehsanistan province in the CMS) Melawati Stadium, now called “Stadium Tok Guru”. As per NSA, stadium’s got 3 sections. Ehsanistan vs Temasik Besar! 1 hour prayer, sermon, then the game! Having a kebab with hummus & tabouleh & Zam Zam cola, YUM! Half time’s coming up. Mebbe some Nasyid or Trained Camel acts? Half time entertainment! – jeep pulls into the field. Guys in khaki throw a screaming woman dressed in a sack and shoot her in the head. She slumps. The crowd cheers “Whore! Whore! Whore!”. Another sack, about quarter the size(?), higher pitch, sounds like a girl? They kick her(?) around, then shoot..sack moves, they kick it down and everyone empties their clips into it. Everyone cheers and shouts “Slut! Slut! Slut!”. They drag the sack away, a bloodied ribbon trails. Everyone tucks into their kebabs.

4 July 2020
All dhimmies are now sent to Faith Building camps so they may acquire (the correct type of) Iman. They are subject to a regime of pre-emptive deviation management and faith construction through prayer and lecture. This is accompanied by chemical and electroshock therapy.

4 Feb 2021
After working with deviant neurophysiology CMS scientists are now able to identify and catalogue neural structures responsible for deviant behaviour (ie dhimmies/non believers). They’ve also found the neural structures responsible for belief. They’ve found God in our heads!

5 Nov 2021
Atom by atom, they built the Machine. Its function was to suppress activity of the deviant neural structures, and eliminate any new ones from forming.
Example: Human sexual behaviour. Machine recipients do not engage in homosexuality or adultery. A state wedding ceremony culminates with the Glancing, where the Mating Protocol is upstrobed into their eyes. When uploaded, the protocol allows the couple to bond and engage in only procreational sex with their state selected partner.

25 Sept 2030
All CMS citizens have Machines implanted with the correct protocols in their heads at birth. Belief, morality, aspirations have now been standardised and unified! We are now truly One People.

Are you frightened yet? Get updates at pandaheadcurry.blogspot.com.